March 25, 2014

Lost

I don't know why, but I put my playlist on my phone on "play all" this morning and a Jimmy Needham song came on and now I just feel the need to talk about faith. My faith in particular.

I know that I believe in God and all that jazz. I'm not questioning Him, I'm questioning me.

I dont know why, exactly, but lately I feel so lost. Disconnected from God. For a couple of months now actually. Like, the most I can do to feel connected to God is when I take walks with my dog and I can marvel at the glorious world that is His creation. But as far as talking to Him, I always feel like maybe I'm just faking it for my piece of mind. Like there's a barrier that keeps my prayers from getting to God and keeps his messages from getting to me.

Most people would say "pray about it", but thats the thing. I don't feel like I'm doing anything when I'm praying. Others might say to talk to someone who I trust. I don't really want to talk to my mom or anyone like that about it because I'm not good at explaining things and I don't want people to be concerned about me or anything. I can't talk to my pastor. He barely knows that I exist and doesn't acknowledge my existence often, even though he walks right past me several times before and after he goes up to preach. He sees me as just a little girl who helps teach his daughter's Sunday school class and sits in the second pew on some Sundays. He has no concern for my spiritual welfare. Why should he?

This brings me to another point. When I come to church, I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the sermons. I pay attention. I read along in my bible (when I can keep up with his constant flipping back and forth between chapters) and even underline passages that I like. But nothing really hits me spiritually. I don't know if its the preacher's fault for preaching something that someone else needs to hear or my fault for not listening close enough. Just as soon as I think I might be hearing something that relates to me, he skips off to a different topic.

I feel so lost. I'm not being spiritually fed or led or anything. And I really don't know what to do.

I know that some people would say that its just that I'm in a time of transition since I'm in college or something like that since I'm becoming an adult and I need to figure out for sure what I believe. But I know what I believe. I just have trouble living it out since there's nothing to cling to.

-EW