August 24, 2013

Dang it.

So, I got a package in the mail today. I thought it was going to be the two Sherlock Holmes books that I ordered. I was super excited. And then I opened it and it was an MLA handbook and a books about the conquest of the new world. Dang it. Stupid textbooks.

Then, I went to the website that I ordered it from, amazon.com, and it said that the two books that I currently have in my hands have been shipped, but not delivered. It says that the SH books were delivered yesterday around lunchtime. WTH, Amazon!? I guess I'll go check at the mailbox and at our neighbor's houses later. They sometimes put them there. But still, I really want to read those books.

This morning, I had a dream. It was a pretty good dream, but the waking up part wasn't so nice. I dreamed that I was in love and engaged to be married. Then I woke up and realized that I am just a really sad, introverted teenager. Dang it. Stupid Brain.

I can't really put a number to how many dreams like this that I have had within the past few years. Too many, though. I think part of it is because everyone around me is living that reality. I have tons of friends that are engaged or married or at least in a happy relationship that they feel the need to brag about on facebook. And I'm just here. Blogging. Youtubing. Wallowing in loneliness.

I mean, I don't want to get married right now. That would be stupid. I don't want to have a kid right now. That would be even more stupid. But sometimes I forget that God has a plan for this little life of mine. I get scared and think, what if I end up truly forever alone. Or what if I marry the wrong person because I never met the right one.

I go back to bible verses and try to find the answer. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. But what if I do something along the way, and I mess up God's big plan. I know that he does know what he's doing, but it sure would be nice if sometimes he would give me a little hint as to what I should do to further his plan along. And maybe a way to feel a little less lonely all the time, and more loved.

Well, I guess I'm off to go straighten my hair. We have family pictures today at the church. I have to look my best. I guess. I really hope that my books come in the mail soon. Instead of me having to go online and sort out this crazy mess caused by the postal system.

-EW