Well This Sucks

Anyone who has read more than a few of my blog posts knows that I have been trying to get adsense working for my blog for a long time. Like, two years at least. You would think that it would be super easy, since google owns both adsense and blogger. Nope. This has been a crap-ton of work.

When I figured out what was wrong with the Url, I created a blog with that url and figured that would be good. Then it told me that I didn't have enough text on there. So I put up two crap posts. And it still told me the same thing. So, today I will be copy-pasting several of my posts from this blog to that one. I mean, I own the posts, so it shouldn't matter, right? And I'm going to take the blog down in a bit, so I'm not really worried. Bleh. Google needs to get its crap straightened out.

In other news, I had a fun weekend. I got to ride my bike a ton and play my ukulele until my fingers hurt. Last night, I went to choir practice at our church with my friend, Sarah, because she and I have speaking parts in the Easter performance. Then, afterwards we stopped by a friends house to say hi and look at the room that had been re-done in her home. Finally, we went to Wal-Mart and did some shopping for Easter.

Sarah and I teach the first and second (and sometimes third) grade sunday school class at our church. So, we have some  easter-y activities that we have planned for the next couple of sundays. We went to shop for stuff for those and little treat bags to give them on easter. I was also running out of coffee, so I bought a little thing of Folgers because its cheaper and lasts longer than k-cups in our keurig machine. And going to walmart with a friend (and at 8:00 at night) is always fun.

-EW

The Feminist in Me

Okay, so when I was growing up, I didn't know what feminism was, really. Like, I thought they were just like women who burned their bras and went to protest marches and stuff. I thought they were crazy.

But even as a little kid, I didn't think that boys and girls should be unequal. I thought that it was kind of unfair that boys could go around without shirts on and girls couldn't. I hated the games that we played at recess that promoted the idea that girls were meant to be rescued, not to do the rescuing. And in middle/high school, I got into several arguments with some of my more misogynistic guy friends because I thought that even though the Bible said that women were submit to their husbands, women were just as powerful and strong and smart and important and were equal.

As I've grown up, I think the only real sources of information about feminism and feminist ideas that I've been able to trust were a few of my history and english teachers, Facebook, and Tumblr. Tumblr probably being the most prominent one. And, yes, I know how to figure out what is fact and what is fiction, thank you.

And I'm not abandoning my Christian beliefs or conservative stance or my upbringing in my feminism. There are still many feminists that I disagree with, particularly when they speak against men. Putting someone else down won't get you equality (see video below and notice the wording that the man uses). I'm still against abortion because I see that unborn child, no matter how young, as a person and killing them as murder. I still consider homosexuality a sin, but its a sin just like murder. Sure, legalize gay marriage. I don't care. It doesn't affect me. But don't force me to say that its okay. Just like I sin, everyone else does, and some people's sin is more obvious. And I'm not going to hate the person, just their sin. And don't tell me that rape culture isn't a thing, because it is. Women who are sober and wearing modest clothes still get raped. Its not women's fault. Its the fault of the parents who don't teach their sons that women are to be respected and they aren't just objects of sex and submission.

So, yes. I am a conservative. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I am against abortion and homosexuality and all sins. No, I'm not perfect. But, yes, I am a feminist. Rant over.

-EW

How To Save A Life

Last night I stayed up until 1:00 am talking with Andrew to distract him. Distract him from himself. Talk about stuff that makes him feel better. Keep him company. And he said he was okay when I said I needed to go to sleep. But I woke this morning to a text that he ended up cutting anyway. And I felt horrible and I wished that I had stayed up and texted him all night. But I know that that was impossible.

My whole life, I've been constantly put into situations where the people who are broken or outcast or whatever need me. And I can't help but be there to help. Because I care too much. And It hurts when I can't help them. The first couple of times this happened, I didn't know what to do. Their brokenness scared me. And I wasn't able to be there when I was needed the most. But at least I was there for some amount of time.

The song "How To Save a Life" by the Fray is a song that I have always related to because I'm afraid that I will have to try and help save someone in the future and I won't know how to.

I wrote a poem the other day right before I went to bed, because that seems to be a really opportune time to think of poems, according to my brain. It may be really terrible, but this is it.

Why is she? by Elizabeth Walker

Why is she friends with the boy with the scars
Up and down his arms
The one who hurts for the hurt of his past
Why would she be 'round the boy who's so sad
And hug him so tight
Then text him all night

Why would she care for the girl who likes both
Boy or girl or in between
She doesn't believe its right
But she's never mean
To the girl whose likes are in between

Why does she stay for the girl without friends
One little fight and she's alone again
Her sarcasm, weirdness, and anger too much to hide
And others with her are never satisfied
But she'd have at least her until she died

Why does she mourn for the ones gone away
They left her with hate
Still she misses their face
Why does this girl care for the ones
Who have nothing to offer
Its only because
Anyone else would walk off and not bother with her

-EW

YouTube

So, if you've ever read any of my blog posts before or you have seen my youtube videos, you know that I am a youtuber. I'm not as serious as some and I'm nowhere near as good as the vloggers and video makers that I watch.

I start most days with youtube videos on my phone and I spend my freetime watching youtube videos also. Like, right now as I blog and drink coffee, I am watching Shaytards videos. And seeing these people on Youtube really makes me think. I mean, Shay Carl has been vlogging for 5 years. Tessa Violet just released an album. John and Hank Green have DFTBA records and all kinds of stuff. And the fan bases are amazing. And then there's playlilst live where they get to meet all of the people who love them and do meet and greets and Q&As and stuff.

It just makes me wonder if I will ever get to be one of those people. Or even someone who is not quite as famous, but close. Like, right now I have 44 subscribers and some of my friends don't even know that I make videos. And I wonder if there will be a day that I reach 100 subscribers and celebrate. Because I have a mini celebration when I get a new subscriber. Like, you know that Emily Dickinson poem that talks about "a funeral in my brain". I have a party in my brain.

I wonder about the future and the crazy uncertainty that it has. And I think about my plans. I want to keep vlogging and making music videos and montages and skits through the rest of this semester and the next three years in college. And I want to continue doing it after that. And then I begin to wonder if I'll vlog with my future husband and future kids or anything like that. I mean, I love to have other people in my videos, so why not?

And I wonder if I'll make friends during college who also make youtube videos. I read something the other day about a good way to improve your videos and get more subscribers and stuff is to make friends with people with similar numbers of subscribers. Like I have 44 subscribers so I should make friends with people who have a couple hundred subs. And you can promote eachother and give eachother tips and bounce ideas off of eachother. Like, isn't that what Tessa and Shawna did? So if you're a youtuber that fits that description, feel free to say something in the comments. Maybe we can do a collab or something. Or even just shout outs and talking about youtube. I honestly don't have any people to talk about youtubing with.

-EW

Lost

I don't know why, but I put my playlist on my phone on "play all" this morning and a Jimmy Needham song came on and now I just feel the need to talk about faith. My faith in particular.

I know that I believe in God and all that jazz. I'm not questioning Him, I'm questioning me.

I dont know why, exactly, but lately I feel so lost. Disconnected from God. For a couple of months now actually. Like, the most I can do to feel connected to God is when I take walks with my dog and I can marvel at the glorious world that is His creation. But as far as talking to Him, I always feel like maybe I'm just faking it for my piece of mind. Like there's a barrier that keeps my prayers from getting to God and keeps his messages from getting to me.

Most people would say "pray about it", but thats the thing. I don't feel like I'm doing anything when I'm praying. Others might say to talk to someone who I trust. I don't really want to talk to my mom or anyone like that about it because I'm not good at explaining things and I don't want people to be concerned about me or anything. I can't talk to my pastor. He barely knows that I exist and doesn't acknowledge my existence often, even though he walks right past me several times before and after he goes up to preach. He sees me as just a little girl who helps teach his daughter's Sunday school class and sits in the second pew on some Sundays. He has no concern for my spiritual welfare. Why should he?

This brings me to another point. When I come to church, I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the sermons. I pay attention. I read along in my bible (when I can keep up with his constant flipping back and forth between chapters) and even underline passages that I like. But nothing really hits me spiritually. I don't know if its the preacher's fault for preaching something that someone else needs to hear or my fault for not listening close enough. Just as soon as I think I might be hearing something that relates to me, he skips off to a different topic.

I feel so lost. I'm not being spiritually fed or led or anything. And I really don't know what to do.

I know that some people would say that its just that I'm in a time of transition since I'm in college or something like that since I'm becoming an adult and I need to figure out for sure what I believe. But I know what I believe. I just have trouble living it out since there's nothing to cling to.

-EW

8.1 and Small Stories

The other day, while I was skyping with Andrew, my computer decided to finally let me update to Windows version 8.1. It took like two hours, then it had to restart and take another hour and a half to set up. Gah. But at least its done now.

Man, the coffee cup that I grabbed from the cabinet to use this morning is really tiny. I mean, it holds the coffee, but it feels more like a tea cup than anything. I feel like it might just collapse if I pick it up wrong.

I woke up an hour too late this morning (9:00), which I find stupid. My body has been used to waking up earlier, so I have no idea why I can't wake up at 8:00 like I normally do. I guess I'll have to go back to setting an alarm like I did before spring break. Ick.

I have music homework to do today. And after that I have to find 20 Rihanna songs to put on a cd as a gift for one of my brother's friends. Why? Because my brother (who is 15 as of yesterday) is computer stupid. I'm always having to do things for him. BLECH. I only know like one Rihanna song. Feel free to leave names of the best Rihanna songs in the comments if you want to help me out.

I really don't want to stop blogging, but my dog needs to go outside and I need to do homework.

-EW

The Oversleeps

I slept for an extra hour this morning. Like, I normally wake up and get up to get dressed at like 8:00 ish, but I woke up and looked at my phone to find that it was already 9:00. So I got up hurriedly and got dresses while watching Tessa Violet's youtube videos. I have homework due today, which is blech. And now I'm blogging and having coffee. I love coffee.

I like the new album that just came out called "Maybe Trapped Mostly Troubled" by Tessa Violet. At least, I like the 30 second clips of the songs that were in this video that she posted. I have yet to go download the songs on itunes, but I will probably do that today. Maybe.

I keep watching videos that Mike Falzone made (bestfriendmenship!) where he takes a walk and talks about stuff that people are bothered by or wondering about and gives them advice, like with relationships and stuff. I think I could do that honestly, I just really want to have a self-filming camera stand to use, because otherwise I would have some crappy video and a really hurting arm. We'll see if that ever happens. If you have questions that you think I could answer or give advice on, feel free to leave them in the comments. I wish people would comment more.

-EW